If you have ever had a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ order (aka: a DNR)
shoved in your face, you know that it is an experience you are unlikely to
forget. If the DNR form in question concerns
your child, well, let me tell you, that goes double. I’ve had the awful experience three different
times for My Mighty Z, and I remember each and every time vividly.
My husband and I were first presented with a DNR when Mighty Z was
3-months old. It happened again when she was 6-months old,
and it happened last when she was 1- year old.
The doctors who presented us with those DNR forms all pretty much said
that she would have no quality of life and that we were young and could have
more children. They said that they could make her comfortable so wouldn’t
suffer. The doctor who recommended this
course when Mighty Z was 6-months old didn’t stop there, though. Instead, in order to show us what the rest of
her life would be like, he set up and accompanied us on a visit a bedridden
17-year old kid in state foster care who was living in unquestionably horrific
conditions. Even though that poor boy
suffered from a different disease than our Mighty Z and was born to a family
that was unable (or unwilling?) to care for him, the doctor assured us that that
was what we and Mighty Z had to look forward to, so it would be easier to just
let her slip away.
Really??? Not so much,
Doc. I was horrified and offended that those
doctors would even suggest a DNR because it has never been evident to me that
Mighty Z’s was headed for a life not worth living. That being the case, I have never signed any
form that would relieve her physicians from the necessity of saving Mighty Z’s
life.
I am sure many reading this blog have also at one time or another
been presented with a DNR, as it seems many doctors gravitate to a DNR and try
to lead families of medically complex children down that path. In my opinion, they often do so because it
is an easy ‘get out of jail’ card for them.
Looking back on my own experiences and the anecdotal evidence of my
friend’s stories (some of whom are facing the issue right now) I am shocked
that doctors still bring the subject up and recommend this course so
regularly.
My cousin was recently offered a DNR concerning her child who has
Transverse Myelitis, and she asked me when was the right time to sign it. Here is my answer:
“There is no answer.” The
decision to sign a DNR is a very hard choice to make, and only the family
involved can determine whether or not it is the right course for their child,
so only they know when the time is right to sign a DNR. I don't think
it is something you can plan for – I think that when it happens it happens.
We have to support and respect each other’s journey. I know many children who have made an impact
on the world around them simply because their parents would not sign a DNR. I also know
several wonderful mothers who when faced with a DNR, signed it. Who was right? Who was wrong? The answer is that
they all were right, as only the families involved knew when the time was right
to let their child go.
