The month of January is always a time of reflection for me.
Not just because it is the start of a new year, but also because it is Mighty
Z’s birthday month. I remember like it was yesterday how I was so ready for her
to be born, not a thought of ‘would she be alright?’ even entered my head. I
had done all the prenatal tests and they had all come back perfectly, so what
was there to fear? I remember getting up early on January 22 and heading to the
hospital excited to meet Miss Z.
Everything went beautifully; the only hiccup was that my
blood pressure was a bit high and they gave me some medication that made me
kind of loopy. When Z finally arrived, the nurses gave her to me and pronounced
her perfect.
You know hindsight is 20/20, and I remember Z kept wanting
to fall asleep when I was holding her. Her nurse kept saying ‘wake her up; she
needs to be awake.’ Yet that was easier
said than done-- Z kept nodding off no
matter what I did. The nurses, still unworried, took her to the nursery and
they sent me up to my room where I waited and waited and waited for someone,
anyone, to come to my room and tell me something.
My husband, my mom,
everyone had forgotten about me and I had no idea why. Finally my husband came
into my room and fell on top of me in a puddle of tears and said they have
taken our sweet Z to the intensive care unit because she wouldn’t breathe on
her own.
I have always been one to take charge and this time was no
different. I demanded that I go and see our Z. The nurses said I could only go
if I could walk around my room three times without throwing up. I remember I
started walking and immediately threw up. Yet I tried again I walked around
twice more and told my husband not to tell them I didn’t do the final third
walk. They placed me in a wheelchair and up to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive
Care Unit) we went.
The NICU is a dark and sad looking place, and there in the
corner was my sweet Z in an isolette with tubes in her mouth and nose, and
wires, wires everywhere. How could this be? The nurses not just a couple hours
ago said she was perfect; how did we get from perfection to this place?
I remember touching Z and trying to sing to her. She
flinched from my touch and started screaming. My heart broke into a tiny pieces
in that moment. Little did I know that I was about to embark on a journey that
no mother ever wants to travel.
Throughout this month I will walk you
down the beginning of this journey as much as I can remember. There are times
of great success and yet times of greater defeat and pain as the realization of
why my baby wouldn’t breathe on her own finally started to dawn on me.
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