You might be viewed as a Rock Star for being able to handle a child who, in many ways, is like my Mighty Z -- whatever your child's diagnoses or even if you have no formal diagnosis. People who have typical kids look at you in awe and they should, because you are a Rock Star.
However these people cannot see the real feelings swimming around in your head, or hear the not–so-good-thoughts. The thoughts of "I can't do this anymore," or “I am so terrified of this syndrome.” Even the REALLY bad thoughts of wanting to run away. I remember driving home from the hospital when Mighty Z was just a baby and the thought ‘just keep driving and never look back’ popped into my head. I am not proud of that, but it did flash through my mind. I quickly banished the thought, and felt guilty for thinking it.
Sometimes I thought it would have been better if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, or maybe, it would have been for the best if my baby hadn't made it. Thoughts like these are really what have gone through my head at different times in Mighty Z’s life. I think to myself if anyone could look inside and see or hear the thoughts that have just popped into my head, they would know I am not a Rock Star.
I don’t think like that now, but when I was first introduced to this journey I balked at it and said I can’t, I can’t do this. While everyone around me kept saying, ”Wow, you are so strong, you are so great, I could never do this, and you are such a Rock Star.” In many ways I wanted to scream that I am not great, strong, or a Rock Star! I am doing everything that I can just to survive the day!
I have made horrible decisions, and sometimes forgotten how to do simple stuff or just forgot to turn on a pulse ox machine. I have allowed doctors to do stuff to Mighty Z that I should never have allowed. I still think of the times I have allowed doctors to let her sleep off the ventilator and yes, in my heart of hearts, was hoping that she really was fine.
These are the thoughts and feelings that I have felt. They are not very nice thoughts and defiantly not Rock Star status thoughts and feelings, but there you have it. I guess I am just human at times.
Why I am I telling you this? Because we all can’t be Rock Stars all the time. Sure we can resuscitate our children, change a trach with the skill of a PICU nurse, tube feed our babies, rig up a device to let our paralyzed babies have some sort of movement, change a colostomy bag, and strap on AFO’s without blinking an eye.
All we can do is realize we are not super human and can only do the best we can at the time. Love yourself, be kind to yourself and know you are a Rock Star.
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Wow girl, what a post. There are many days when I share those same thoughts! Then I usually beat myself up over them, for about an hour. LoL. I can't imagine life without her, yet to just get a break from the constant worry, to know just one day without giving meds, to go to sleep at night for just a few days without fear she won't wake up... Might be nice. I can only imagine moms of average kids have to feel overwhelmed at times and share those thoughts with half the responsibility , after all we do hold our kids lives,in,our hands so to speak. We are Rockstars... We are chosen moms... But we are human. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling exactly like this right now.
ReplyDeleteMy kids have different kinds of special needs, but still very true! Very well written!
ReplyDeleteThanks,
A fellow Rock Star Mom
If "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!