Fear is something
that is hard to navigate around when dealing with this ‘new normal world of
special needs,’ especially when doctors are telling you that your little
miracle has little to no chance of living.
I know that when
Mighty Z was born, the doctors had given her less than a year to live at the
most, and they, at times, are still shocked to see her alive, twelve years later.
One thing I experienced many times was that doctors do not know what to make
out of these very rare diseases. There is literally no handbook or “how to,” so
the doctors go through trial and error and speak on the side of worst
case scenario when talking to the
parents of special needs children.
However even though
Mighty Z has made it to twelve doesn’t mean that fear doesn’t come slinking
around or that death doesn’t try to knock on my door. I have, in fact, been
dancing with both of these evil fellows for twelve years and still I sometimes
wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because fear has managed to
slip into my dreams.
So what do you do
when fear starts lurking around? Well, I will tell you what I do, I jump out of
bed and go check on Mighty Z and then I breathe. I breathe through that fear and I quote
Isaiah 41:10 (ESV) “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about
you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you.” And I take another breath and
let it out, slowly.
Sometimes that helps, and sometimes I just
stare at her monitors for the rest of the night and pray over her. Is that a healthy
way to handle fear? I don't know but it is they only way I can cope . Sometimes that old
bedfellow, fear, tries to stay with me and linger on me like smoke. It is hard
to shake fear once it sinks its talons
in you…it is even harder to push it away.
While sometimes my
weeping may last through the night, joy usually comes in the morning. The joy
in the morning when Mighty Z opens those big beautiful eyes never gets old. To
make it through another night is a mighty miracle in and of itself.
I spend
the next daypraising Him for my abundant blessings, and for the joy both of
my girls bring me -- regardless of what this world throws my way. Sometimes,
during those nights when fear slips in and death starts knocking, and I feel that
I am just in the middle of a little storm, I find that I am still praising Him.
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