Thursday, May 10, 2012


When most people think about when their babies were infants they remember the sights, smells, touch and sounds of their angles firsts months. What I remember is completely different.

Last night I was changing Mighty Z's pulse ox probe for a new probe and caught the smell of the probe. It is a distinct medical smell nothing bad just the smell of supplies that are sterile. All last night I dreamed of the hospital when Mighty Z was a baby.

 The smells bring back the memories of those first few week.

Instead of smelling the smell of baby lotion, shampoo and baby powder as babyhood memories. I remember the smell of iodine, medical tape, trach collars.

Instead of remembering the way the baby cooed and cried of the first few days of baby bliss. I remember the sound of beeps, alarms, suction machines  and the gurgle of chest tubes.

Instead of remembering the feel of the way the baby felt as she laid in my arms. I remember the feel of  a nurses arms around me as I cried for my baby and for myself.

Instead of remembering the way the light came into her sweet little nursery that I had painstakingly decorated. I remember the darkness of the NICU as my baby laid with the other little sick babies.

Everyday felt like an eternity of endless hopelessness.

I do remember the first time I held Mighty Z it was the most exciting and yet terrifying time. Mighty Z was 2 months old and still intubated. The nurses told me I couldn't hold her,but I cornered the doctor and he had mercy on me and finally let me hold my sweet Mighty Z.

Until you know the deepest pain you can never know the deepest joy.

Mighty Z has brought me the deepest joy

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1 comment:

  1. oh alcohol the thrill of being allowed to take a temperature, being the one to pour the milk into the feeting tube, just to say I'd fed him. The tears the day the vent was turned off.

    yeah, I remember those.